>Mark: Charade

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Men marry to make an end; women to make a beginning.- Alexis Dupov

 Marriage is a sham. People fight and lose the battle of temptation during courtship. They lie and cheat, and doubt their commitments but somehow a man decides to go out and get a ring whether by pressure or obligation; somehow the woman forgets about her doubts and the stress she felt in that relationship when the ring box opens. He gives her that ring while internally promising to be the kind of man that she wants. She accepts the ring hoping that possibly her new fiancé is on the same page. In the moment of engagement a man may feel empowered by stepping up to the plate and a woman may feel relieved. They both feel hopeful. I know I did.

 Months flew by. The planning was easy. She always knew what she wanted, and I knew that I wanted to make her happy. On our wedding day I looked at my soon to be wife seconds before I said I do, and thought for a quick moment that maybe I was lying to our families and to God. I didn’t feel ready to fulfill those promises but I was determined to try. We should agree to our vows by saying I’ll Try instead of I Do because in the end all we as humans can do is try. I did try.

 Divorces happen for several reasons. Mine happened because after the wedding there was an expectation for me to be more than I was. In the beginning of our four year relationship I did the romantic things I knew would make her smile. I rekindled those gestures in the beginning of my marriage. I liked the safety I felt. My wife was a wonderful woman. Our only fights were about her suspicions of me. She had a right to be suspicious. I’ll admit I had my moments where a friendly invite to my favorite bar hangout turned into sharing feelings of what could be if I wasn’t married. Some of those friends let me find out the type of woman they could be for me if I was available to be their man. I always came home though, and as much as I tried to lay blame, it wasn’t my wife’s fault.

 I had bouts with unfaithfulness before our marriage. She could never prove it so her fighting words fell on deaf ears. I asked her to marry me because I wanted to be better. But, eventually, I reached a point where I was unfulfilled. I meant the lovey dovey sentiments shared with my wife in the moment that they were said. However, those moments weren’t enough to stop me from seeing other friends from time to time, and engaging them in conversations that could lead to sexual situations if they let me get that far. There came a moment when I felt like I was just pacifying my wife. The realization that I couldn’t live up to those promises made me feel depressed.

 I wanted our marriage to last because I felt that she deserved it. I didn’t think I was capable of giving her what I promised. I was feeling frustrated because I was trying too hard. I looked at the people we knew that were married for several years and in my opinion none of them were happy. I wanted the simple fact that I loved her to be enough, but I think that love is simply the beginning of the end.

 It has been four months since Zora and I started to openly see each other. I held her last night after we slept together for the first time and I told her that I loved her.

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