Three Rings

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“CIRCUS noun. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.” ~ Ambrose Bierce

 

 

I ignored Brent for a week after that incident in the jazz club. He left me tons of messages on my cell phone, home phone, and work phone. I received exotic packages with trinkets from countries I never dreamed of visiting. I decided to give him another chance after receiving a CD with an original song he had written called “Z”. I listened to the complex melody while I read the note that was attached.

Zora,

 I know you are still upset with me. I wrote this song because I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I called it “Z” because the letter is so final, so exotic. It is the beginning of only a few words in the English language, which speaks to its exclusivity. I pursued you after we met because I could envision my final days with you. I know it seems like I forgot that for a second… but I will do anything to make it up to you… anything. Just like the alphabet I’m incomplete without my “Z”ora.  

 The letter was sweet but I wondered if the name of the girl he was with that night began with an “A” if he would have wrote her a similar note explaining how she was the beginning of the rest of his life or some other cliché metaphor.

His actions were enough to make me question the type of man he was. I found myself dissecting everything he ever said to me as well as the small gestures he made. Kissing each one of my fingers was a trademark for him because he did it to the girl in the red dress. Sending me packages could be one of his other tactics because he could obviously afford to woo women that way. His touches and kisses were losing some meaning for me but he was attentive and creative. He was either a really savvy playboy or he might actually get me to some degree. Not to mention that after a month of seeing each other regularly there was no pressure to become more seriously intimate.

However, in the end, I felt like I couldn’t completely judge him anymore for his actions because my behavior was no different than his these days. After receiving the song from Brent I decided to go down to the jazz club to accept his apology in person. The club wasn’t officially open for business yet. The band members were tuning up their instruments while the waitresses wiped down the tables. I didn’t see Brent anywhere so I had a seat at the bar to wait for him.

“Hello.” 

A deep voice came from behind me. I suppressed my smile because I didn’t want Brent to think I forgave him too easily and swung around to return his greeting. I was surprised to see Mark standing there, but strangely I was not disappointed.  I never returned his call the night that I saw Brent with that other girl. I played his short message several times trying to read between the lines. I decided it was a sweet and tempting offer that I had to say no to. I felt like his eyes were piercing me. I never noticed the gray tint in them or the slight dimple on his left cheep when he smiled. My composed business expression was fading and I was forced to look away.

“Hello.” I finally managed to answer.

“Am I making you nervous?”

I realized I was tapping my leg. It was way too fast for me to disguise it as following the beat of the song the drummer and bassist played.

“Oh no, I’m sorry. Is Brent coming in tonight?”

“He should be on his way,” he responded. His eyes narrowed causing his face to wrinkle into a slightly perplexed expression.

I nodded my head and turned back around to face the bar.

“I’ll take that as a no to my offer.”

I turned back around to face him, not really knowing how to let him down. I wanted to accept his offer. In fact since I stored his number into my cell phone it has been burning a hole in my bag.  I just wasn’t the type of girl who dated more than one guy at a time.

“Perhaps we should have this conversation elsewhere.” Mark said as he looked at the bartender who seemed engaged in our awkward exchange.

“I don’t think we have much to discuss”

“Humor me.”

I walked to the back of the club with Mark. My feet felt like they were dragging against the hardwood floor. He ushered me into the coat check area and looked to make sure no one saw us enter the room before closing the door behind him.

The air was thick. I found it hard to form the words I needed to say to let Mark know that though I was beyond flattered by his unexpected invitation to hangout, I was deciding to work out the situation with Brent.

I never got to say those words. Brent opened his mouth probably to convince me to change my mind and I kissed him. He kissed me back urgently crushing my body against the wall in the tight space. He was more aggressive than any other man I ever kissed. Soft moans escaped from my throat to match his low grunts though he was barely touching me. Hangers crashed loudly to the floor along with some scattered coat check numbers. Someone knocked on the door, which made us freeze in our entangled position.

“Is anyone in there?”

“Francine, it’s me. I thought I left my scarf in here the other night. I’ll be right out. Can you do me a favor and check the lost and found behind the bar.”

“Sure,” she answered with a hint of skepticism in her voice.

“This was a bad idea. This was a bad idea.” I started to mumble to myself trying to wrap my head around what I just did.

“Umm… I have a different opinion,” he said while biting his lip, which made me want to bite on his lip.

 I shook my head furiously to get rid of the last thought I had. I wished that time was like an Etch a Sketch so that I could shake it and erase the last few moments. It was a bad idea. I knew that my actions would lead Mark on but a small part of me did not want to let go of that invisible leash. I started to rationalize the situation, reminding myself of my original thought when I wrote down Mark’s number that night. I was competing for Brent without my knowledge, and until we decided to be exclusive I would continue to compete for him with God knows how many women who could be seeing.

There were no guarantees in love and I refused to continue to put all my energy into one person until I was assured that he was putting the same amount of energy into me. People went on dates all the time. I always limited myself and thought too far ahead into a future that wasn’t even materializing in the mind of my past partners. I didn’t know Mark at all. I had no reason to choose him other than pure attraction. Kissing Mark was an irrational move, and though I was prone to compulsive actions with men this was definitely out of my character. I liked Brent but I was definitely intrigued by Mark.

Mark waited as I tried to straighten out my thoughts. As I reached the decision to just ignore the flashing warning signs surrounding this situation my face relaxed and Mark seemed to take his first breath after we were interrupted.

“I have to go finish my sound check. Can we talk about this later?”

Unable to meet his eyes I simply nodded my head and escaped the coat check room without looking back.

A cab was parked in front of the club. Brent was unpacking his instrument and gear out of the trunk. I was reminded of my original reason for showing up to the club and felt a twinge of guilt. His face lit up when he saw me. There were no words at first. He just hugged me tightly and planted enthusiastic kisses all over my face. I didn’t have to force the smile that I was wearing. It felt good to be back in Brent’s arms.

“I told myself if you didn’t call me tonight I was coming to see you,” he said in between kisses.

“Well I’m here, and I just wanted to tell you that I loved the song.”

“Can we start over?” He pleaded.

“I think we can give it another shot.” I responded trying to appear aloof.

“No more other women, okay?”

“You don’t have to make me any promises. Let’s just see how it goes.”

Usually, the promise of an exclusive relationship would be all I needed to put everything I had into a man. But I wasn’t one hundred percent about Brent right now and there was something about Mark.

“Will you stay for the show? I was going to play the song I wrote for you.”

“No, I have a meeting at the station before my show tomorrow. We can have lunch when I leave work.”

“Okay. I am so sorry Zora. I really am. Thank you for coming down here.”

I got into the cab after Brent finished unloading. He gave me one last kiss before I told the cab driver where to take me. I saw Mark step out of the club and begin to offer Brent a hand with his equipment.

“You seem happy,” Mark said.

“I think Zora and I are back on track. I never got a chance to thank you for trying to call her for me. I appreciate that man.”

My cab pulled off before I could hear anymore of their conversation.

Later that night I was awakened by the sound of my doorbell.

“It’s later.” Mark’s voice sounded smooth over my intercom.

I pressed the buzzer and allowed him to make his way up to my apartment. I did a quick head to toe check in the full length mirror in my hallway and quickly brushed my teeth for good measure.  Seconds later he knocked on my door softly. I gestured for him to come in. He took a seat on my sofa and exhaled deeply.

“You’re still seeing Brent.” He phrased this as a statement rather than a question.

“Yes.”

“You still want to get to know me.” Another statement.

“Yes.”

“I can deal with that, as long as you are honest with me.

“Honest with you?”

Though I didn’t want him to, I thought he was coming here to tell me that he was going to step aside and try to apologize for our encounter earlier that night.

“If at any moment you want to end this you have to tell me. Brent is my friend. I know you should be off limits but I felt something earlier today. It made me think that getting to know each other is worth the risk.”

That night was the beginning of lunches with Brent and late night dinners with Mark. For weeks I went back and forth between Mark and Brent. Kissing both of them and allowing myself to go far enough without breaking my promise to myself. I vowed not to sleep with someone who wasn’t in love with me. Mark was intense and had a direct approach to everything. It was easier being around him because I didn’t feel like a liar. Though Brent and I never stated that we were in a committed relationship I felt like I was a cheater. After all Mark was his friend and band mate.

Nights at the club I watched Brent and Mark play together. Every time Brent cued the band to play “Z” Mark would signal the other bass player to take the lead while he took a break.  When they were on stage together I could feel the tension radiating off of Mark’s body.

With the holidays approaching, the time I spent with both men became more intense. I escaped to my parent’s new home in Georgia during Christmas. Both Brent and Mark made suggestions for getaways and I couldn’t choose. Brent took it in stride as he was getting used to me spending less time with him and taking his advances more lightly. He attributed it to me still needing time to trust him. Mark on the other hand looked at every turned down invitation as a win for Brent.

With my company’s annual New Years Eve party around the corner, I braced to spend the night with Brent because he inadvertently set up Gwen and Mark on a blind date for the evening. According to Brent, Mark seemed to be down a lot lately about a girl he was seeing and he thought hooking him up with Gwen would ease his stress. Mark accepted because in his mind it was a chance to be with me on New Years night.

I prepped Gwen by telling her not to get her hopes up about Mark. Of course she didn’t listen. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that I had been dating both of them. The night of the party Gwen came over to my apartment to get ready. The plan was that Brent and Mark were going to come over for a pre party and then we would head over to my office. I received hopeful glances from Gwen, adoring glances from Brent, and longing glances from Mark all night.

Seconds to midnight before the room erupted into celebratory screams. Brent leaned in to kiss me.

“My mother always said what you are doing when the New Year begins is what you’ll be doing consistently in the New Year. I don’t mind kissing you all year.”

I kissed him back. I felt the passion and sincerity of his last words. If Brent’s mother was right, and the way I felt at that moment was any indication of how I would feel all year, then this would be the year of confusion. I felt Brent’s body shift awkwardly to the left. I opened my eyes to see Mark standing there playfully punching Brent in his side.

“I’m about to head home man. Thanks for inviting me.”

“Mark, why are you leaving so early? I thought you and Gwen were hitting it off.” Brent said while landing a few playful combinations to Mark’s midsection.

I searched Mark’s eyes to see if that was true.  All I saw was the same longing look along with a hint of anger.

“She’s a nice girl. Tell her that I said I’m sorry though. I’m not feeling that well.”

Mark walked away. Brent looked confused for only a minute before returning his attention to me. He was beaming.

“There has been something I have been meaning to ask you.”

Though there were about three proposals in the room in the last fifteen minutes I knew that Brent was not headed in that direction.

“I know we haven’t talked about this Zora, but I want to be with you. I haven’t been with anyone else since that awful night in the club.”

They were the words I wanted to hear a month ago. They were the words I thought were unspoken until I saw him with someone else. But the situation was more complicated now.

“Can you excuse me for a second?” I pushed out of Brent’s embrace and headed towards the ladies room near my office.

I walked towards the woman’s rest room meant for executive employees. The bathroom was usually deserted and I needed a quiet area to clear my mind. Mark was standing at the end of the hall by the water cooler.

“I thought you were leaving.”

“I am. Don’t worry I won’t interrupt your perfect night with Brent. I always understood that I wasn’t your first choice. He gets to have you in the day and I get stolen moments in corners and coat check closets.”

“I’m here now Mark,” I said while I stood on the tips of my toes to kiss him.

“Happy…New…Year.” I managed to say while gasping for air between kisses.

Behind me I heard faint footsteps. I felt Mark’s body become stiff. He gently pushed me away fast enough for me to see Gwen turning the corner and heading back towards the party. I didn’t run after her. Instead I just ran into the ladies room.

I noticed my eyes looked tired and my makeup was smudged. Lipstick was smeared across my cheek. This vision of myself reminded me of a reoccurring dream I was having.

I was under a colorful tent with loud voices surrounding me.  My curly hair seemed to be bigger and brighter. My outfit matched the striped tent all the way down to the oversized shoes on my feet. My hand moved rhythmically. I realized I was juggling. Brent and Mark both bounced easily between one of my hands to the other. As I caught each of them they tried to grab on but I just kept throwing them up into the air. I wasn’t dreaming now but I felt like a clown in the center ring trying to juggle balls and other ridiculous items while Brent balanced on a wire on my right and Mark flew from one side to the other of the trapeze with no net on my left. One of them would eventually fall and I would stop juggling in time to catch the one I wanted.

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